Goth is the Loneliest Number

Thanks to Diane

Gothiness: 6 Sweatiness: 9
This trainee darkling is making his stand early in life - much to the derision of his school chums. What do THEY know, eh? Dressing in black PVC and covering yourself in makeup is SO going to make you popular. You really are different from the others. No, honestly, you really are. You're sensitive and interesting and you've got something to say that matters. Honest.

I Wandered Lonely as a Goth

Thanks to Aagra and

Gothiness: 9 Sweatiness: 8
Undecided Goth can't work out whether to embrace the Daystar with shaven head, or avoid with Reflective Red. Her poetry isn't giving her many clues, but she's clearly finding inspiration there. She'd better find cover quickly though - a tan certainly won't go with that eyeshadow!


Thanks to Anonymous

Gothiness: 8 Sweatiness: 9 (crotch area only)
Ladieeeeeez! Check out this Goth's cradle of filth! He's all man, and he's waiting to satisfy your every need - poetry, navel gazing, and Terry Pratchett discussion groups with dark sexual chocolate drops on top! Witness the muscular physique! Gasp at the bulging source of his power! Swoon at the bullet belt adorned cowboy boots! This, surely, is every Gothette's onanistic, narcissistic gothboy fantasy!
edit: What do you mean, no?

The Eagle of Goth

Back by popular demand!

Gothiness: 10 Sweatiness: 9
This is how to settle a domestic dispute! This Gothette has flown in with a crossbow pointed right at your genitals. That's the last time you borrow her copy of 'Bela Lugosi's Dead' without asking. Sweatiness quotient high here - she's so hot her hair has melted down the side of her head. One point deducted though as you can see most of her face.

Sauna Suffering

Thanks to Åsa Jungar

Gothiness: 7 Sweatiness: 8
Sweden: home of the six foot blonde, and birthplace of the sauna. Odd, then, to see a bunch of Goths in a circle wearing Full Leather Jackets and chanting Wicca incantations. Well done to Asa and friends for showing such distain for the Daystar and risking sweaty oblivion, just so we can watch them prancing like tits. That Summer Solstice has a lot to answer for!
Edit: I've made a terrible error! I'm informed that Finland is the birthplace of the sauna. No matter, I'm sure those 6ft blonded Swedish types enjoy saunas as well. There's an image.

Kick the Pain Away

Thanks to DeHuman8

Gothiness: 6 Sweatiness: 8
There's long been a terrible dearth of Goths in sport, who knows why? Maybe their darkness gives them an unfair psychological advantage over the opposition, maybe long poetry writing sessions render them useless to physical activity, maybe their minds are on higher things such as Snakebite & Black consumption. Whatever the reason, DeHuman8 and his dark followers are redressing that imbalance by braving the Daystar to reach the peak of Goth endurance: 90 minutes with no shade against the Grand Society of Water Rats All Star Charity and Daytime Chat Show Presenters Second 11. Watch out dark ones - that Phillip Schofield's a fouling bastard! Our Nightmare Team of choice has to be:
Attack: Astbury, Ian / McCulloch, Ian / Reznor, Trent
Midfield: Duffy, Billy / Sioux, Siouxsie / Sensible (Capt.)
Defence: Scabies, Rat / Murphy, Pete / Hussey, Wayne / Cave, Nick
Goal: Smith, Robert
Manager: Eldritch, Andrew
Injured: Edwards, Richey / Curbain, Kurt (on loan from Grunge United) / Curtis, Ian

Van Helsing's Daughter

Thanks to:

Gothiness: 8 Sweatiness: 7
It's all very well looking afraid, dear, but the sun isn't a vampire and no amount of sitting by a cross is keeping you shaded. What you need is a large hat, preferably with a black veil. Anyway, vampires are supposed to be your friends. I give you five minutes before your face is bright red. Then you'll really have something to look forlorn about.

The Good Chip Goth

Thanks to: Alan Clements

Gothiness: 8 Sweatiness: 6
Stepping straight from the pages of Northanger Abbey, comes our latest Gothy heroine, seen here enjoying a bag of chips. Distressingly there appears to be no blood-like ketchup, nor is there a solitary lurid green mushy pea. Must do better.

The Rime of the Gothy Mariner

Thanks to: Photo Doktor

Gothiness: 10 Sweatiness: 8 (too much neck on display)
At first I thought this might be an ageing Marcel Marceau giving up mime for a Gothlife, but no, this is a Goth debating whether to hire a yacht or not. Not very Goth, you'd think, but he's taking advice from a green and a yellow skull! Look at them reflecting back at him in his glasses, offering up the words of Coleridge: "Day after day, day after day,/ We stuck, nor breath nor motion;/ As idle as a painted goth/ Upon a painted ocean." Now all he needs is an albatross. Or a crow.

We're Bringing Gothyback!

Justin Timberlake officially likes this blog! Justin. Timberlake. Eat that Tiffins Boys School, I TOLD you I didn't need A Levels! Maybe he can tell his celeb homies about it! Maybe P Diddums will check me out! Anyone know of any other celebrities who think it's funny? Zoe Ball? Roger de Courcey? Spread the word meejahores - we have to get a submission from Ian Astbury!

Gothinson Crusoe

Thanks to Jon Yates

Gothiness: 5 Sweatiness: 7
Here we see a classic example of right idea, wrong execution. This young castaway attempts to write 'HELP' in the sand so that a passing plane might spot it and come to the rescue, but the Goth nature comes to the fore and instead all that comes out is some introspective naval gazing haiku element. You'll be waiting sometime for a refreshing Snakebite & Black young Darkling!

Beach Blanket Babygoth

Thanks to Alethea Carr

Gothiness: 6 Sweatiness: 7
Alethea writes "This dedicated darkling was spotted under her gothasol on a 95 degree day. What is she writing? A short story worthy of Poe? A poem about the heartwrenching pain of summer vacations? A shopping reminder to buy more cloves? Note her one concession to the heat: a pair of gothy-industrial flip flops. And her one fatal flaw: an exposed line of scalp. That’s going to hurt next time she backcombs."


Thanks to Mark Aaron James

Like a latter day Bryan Adams, Mark has just released the blockbuster tune of the Summer. Can't quite see them playing it at Underworld, but I for one will be standing outside Camden Town station, holding a ghetto blaster aloft, with this blaring out at top volume. Just like in 'Say Anything'.

How To Survive The Daystar And How Not To

Thanks to: Tall Skinny Kiwi

Gothiness: 8 Sweatiness: 4
Here is a very basic lesson in how to stay clear of the poisonous rays of the Daystar. Left and right, we see well deployed Gothasols, with faces fully protected. In the middle, we see gloves, a fan and a more unusual way to protect the face - this Goth appears to have had his/her head eaten by a feral cat. Still, it works. And then we see, with back to us and white arms cooking in the sun, Junior Goth. Oh dear.

Carnie Freak

Thanks to: Keith Freshwater

Gothiness: 7 Sweatiness: 8
This brave Gothette walks amongst the Fairground folk, presumably during her lunchbreak working on the Ghost Train. Like all good Scooby Doo plots, this particular ride features real ghosts and muderous valkyries stealing ice cream and corn dogs from terrified children.

Prom Goth

Thanks to Emma Rinker

Gothiness: 4 (clearly he's a Didi) Sweatiness: 7
This, apparently, is 'Uncle Mike'. Jesus titty fucking Christ on a bicycle, words fail me. I open the floor to you, dear reader.

Hunk O' Burnin' Goth

Thanks to Trance Kat

Gothiness: 8 Sweatiness: 10
Lord a'mighty, feel his temperature rise! This crazy Kat has chosen to do an impersonation of Keanu Reeves in the middle of a desert. That's wrong on many levels. Note the classic 'Jesus' pose favoured by many a full-length Goth, accentuating their sacrifice - they have suffered so that we may giggle.

Bucket And Spade of Cthulhu

Thanks to: Kjartan Poskitt
Gothiness: 8 Sweatiness: 6
Very few leather coats, but boots and lace will catch the sand nicely.
(note matching hair and child's spade - who said Goths couldn't co-ordinate?)

@ Gnomethang

No I will not publicise your ankle porn fetish site :)

Gotheo and Juliet

Thanks to Jamie Bowen

Gothiness: 6 Sweatiness: 6
But soft, what light through yonder window breaks? It is the east and Juliet is the Daystar. Declarations of love are a beautiful thing - Gotheo here has braved the beach to write a transient amorous message in the sand, making sure to keep his head protected from the Daystar's powerful rays. But what's that? Bare arms? Bare bloody arms? Damn fool. By the time he's finished, his forearms will be so pink his body will look like a slice of Battenburg cake. And who wants to sleep with that? Fail.

The Goth Railway Children

Thanks to:

Gothiness: 10 Sweatiness: 8
My memories of The Railway Children may be clouded but I'm sure Jenny Agutter didn't look like this. But if she did, I bet Daddy was ecstatic when he arrived on that train. 1 Gothiness Point removed for the suitcase. Detail is everything.
Edit: OK, enough already. An extra point for the Steampunk suitcase. I still think it should have been black. With the skull of a crow as a clasp.

Gothasol Fail

Gothiness: 2 Sweatiness: 2
Now, in principle, everything is in its place and as it should be. Gothy dress? Check. Black Hair? Check. Gothasol in the sunshine? Check. But what in the name of Beelzebub's rejected bastard firstborn son's name is this woman on? The Gothasol provides no shade whatsoever! It's held at a jaunty angle! She's grinning! She's missed the point completely. What does she think it is - some sort of musical? She should be excommunicated from The Church of Goth immediately. What an absolute disgrace.

Tails of Woe

Thanks to Stuart Graves

Gothiness: 7 Sweatiness: 8
Where to begin with young Stuart here: Robert Smith meets Ducky from Pretty in Pink - we've all been there, Stuart - it's just that most of us realised our error before getting photographed. Well done for braving a fine Summer evening in those winkle-pickers though, I'm sure no-one at the end of term ball would fuck with you in those bad boys, for fear of your sweaty socks alone!

Echo and the Bunnygoths

Thanks to Sue Carter Flinn
Gothiness: 6 Sweatiness: 7
God I miss the 80's. Campsites would allow you in with your pet Goth. Note the lack of irony in his pose - one arm folded, one leg bent in the 'inverse teapot' move made famous by Iain McCullogh.

Leather Lord

Thanks to Seth Reber

Gothiness: 9 Sweatiness: Off the scale

Seth writes; "Ever hear of Mandy Lion? Of course not but I thought I'd ask. Anyways this guy is infamous for walking around LA in 95 degree heat in full leather everything. Mandy claims he can control his sweat glands.." If you hadn't heard of Mandy Lion before, bow to his awesomeness. Then laugh and point behind his back when he goes back to the bar. Mandy, I salute you!

P.S. Mandy? But that's a girl's name?

Taking one for the team

Thanks to Sparkly Devil

Gothness: 7 Sweatiness: 8
Noble lady, sacrificing yourself and risking the Fate of Freckles to save your cowering Gothy chums; they must be very grateful - I know I would be. For more than one reason.

Watch out for Crabs

Thanks to Sakara

Gothiness: 6 Sweatiness: 3
The lovely Sakara writes "These are of me and my mates when we did our annual pilgrimage to a beach in Bridgend South Wales, where we would scare the locals with our paleness and enjoy a nice day... Seeing as I just dont tan I do not fear the sun... " I notice, though, that Sakara and her friends have not just scared the locals, they have comepletely cleared the beach. Although that may have more to do with it being Bridgend than anything else.

Letting The Side Down

Gothiness: 3 (due to child's clothes) Sweatiness: 8

What in the name of the Sisters of Mercy is going on here? It's not enough that this Gothette is having to struggle with the sun in full clobber AND push a heavily laden pram, but she has to endure the shame of a daughter being dressed as a PRINCESS? What was wrong with a Princess of the Night? Children these days. Let's hope the Gothette has just borrowed her and is planning to spend the day teaching her the ways of the Dark.

Thanks to:

Barcelona isn't Goth Friendly

Anna Lucylle writes "The Montjuic park isn't the best place to visit
at high noon if you're planning on keeping your skin a human
colour... thanks to my ungothly t-shirt and loose pants
combo, I'm currently sporting a Zoidberg-red epidermis.
Well, at least my feet were covered nicely! :-P" Considering how many Spanish tourists hang out at Camden Market, it seems odd that Barcelona isn't the source of all Goths. I blame Gaudi.
Bonnie Downing is clearly a kindred spirit. See her analysis of Florida Goths here

Dip your toes in the Paddling Pool of Despair

Thanks to Seale Paterson

Gothiness: 6 Sweatiness: 3
Goths only go poolside to study the rest of society, as can be seen by this Gothette intimidating a passing swimmer. Note the textbook deployment of a Gothasol to protect from any harmful 'Daystar rays'. As we know, overexposure to the Sun can cause warmth, smiling, and a desire to think the world's a nice place - all deadly to a true Goth.

SPF 451

Delilah in the Sun, originally uploaded by cemeterygates.

Gothiness: 7 Sweatiness: 6
Delilah here is taking no risks. If she got even CLOSE to a tan, she'd be thrown out of her coven. But if she wants to stay paler than pale, she's made two fatal mistakes:
1 - cover your hands, suntanned fingers are a dead giveaway.
2 - don't get on a boat and drive into the middle of the Caribbean sea when there's not a cloud in sight.

Sailing on the Seven Seas of Goth

Thanks to Miss Stasha for the link

Gothiness: 10 Sweatiness: 10
I thought I was bringing the world a much-needed service with this blog. And then I found THIS These uber-Goths are actually living the nightmare! I could write for hours about how superb this is, and how we all, each and every Goth on the planet, should attend this irony-laden event, but my words pale into insignificance in the face of such awesome Gothness. I choose a quote from their marvellous FAQ, which sums up the very essence of my mission: "We find that the people who most enjoy the cruise are those in the scene who aren’t terrified by the ‘daystar’ and/or are comfortable using “Goth Block” (SPF 30,001) to keep from getting an embarrassing tan... This is vacation after all. You aren't expected to be uncomfortable 24/7."

Genius on so many levels, not least of all the first recorded naming of the Sun as the "Daystar." I assume they'll be docking at Martha's Harbour.

UPDATE: And they've done a movie! a full length one! (don't worry, this is just the trailer)
Creative Commons License Goths in Hot Weather by Tom Lenham is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Non-Commercial-No Derivative Works 2.0 UK: England & Wales License. Based on a work at All other territories © Tom Lenham, all rights reserved.