At Home with the Gothasons

Gothiness: 6 Sweatiness:5
"Goodness dear, this garden's getting messy! Look at those Azalias, they're running wild."
"Like the torment in my soul, they grow through every space. Binding my waking thoughts with the dark matter of their misery, strangling the young shoots of my happiness in the tangleweed of despair. I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds."
"Yes dear. Oooh, is that the kettle boiling?"

David HassleGoth

Thanks to Kathrin Hieronimus

Gothiness: 8 Sweatiness: 4
An ordinary poolside scene; children playing, mothers chatting, old men hanging around in the bushes looking out of breath - but hang on, what the Dave Vanian is that? Goth ahoy!

Goths in the Grass

Thanks to Bex
Gothiness: 8 Sweatiness: 9

Bring out your dead! Bring out your dead! Bex and her Zeitgeist Zero cohorts lay themselves prone beneath the Daystar in the pursuit of literary greatness. Witness their pasty white skin transforming before your eyes! Weep as their black attire clings with little sweaty beads to their sensitive souls. Sniff their sweaty boots and lay your head next to theirs as they attempt to create a Gothy FlashMob-Scrabble-Performance-Art interpretation - if we all lie together with these brave unfortunates, we will be seen from space, forming the phrase "Generation X". I am Gothymandias, Goth of Goths, Look on my works, ye mighty, and despair!

Close-up: fit!

Bouncy Goth

Thanks to Olivia
Gothiness; 6 Sweatiness: 3
"Mummy, what's that weirdo doing on my trampoline?"
"Come away dear, that's just a Goth trying to find out what it's like for the rest of us."
"Mummy, can I write some poetry now?"
"Step away from the Goth, sweetie!"

The sincerest form of flattery

is plaigiarism, or so I'm told. Whatever. I'm liking your Goth angle, kid :)

We Dictate Fashion

Thanks to Lester 'Molester' Jones, as ever.
Gothiness: off the scale Sweatiness: 8
At last it's happened my Darkling hoardes - the good people of i-D Magazine have been moved to create a Goth-based fashion shoot in honour of our work! We have dictated a new fashion! See here! Now, who's up for spending a week going around Hoxton or the East Village with a pogo stick and timing how long it takes for some media whore hipster nincompoop to buy one and sit in a cafe with it resting against his table while he cruises Facebook on his i-Pad 2?

P.S. What's slightly scary is that bus actually goes past my office whilst I write this tripe. How did they know?

Goth in the hole!

Thanks to Jonas Christ
Gothiness: 9 Sweatiness: 8
Representing for Darklings everywhere, this brave soul tackles the undergrowth of Vanilla society like a hero of yore, attempting to get his balls as close to the hole as possible by stroking his stick correctly. I love innuendo, me. The more observant amongst you will notice our friend here has even gone to the length of finding a black golf ball to use. Good work, sir!

Grumpy Lace

Thanks to Sarah McDermott
Gothiness: 7 Sweatiness: 4

Pasty-faced Sarah writes:"My dear Clergyman, I address you from the erstwhile Colonies, California to be precise, where hot weather is plentiful. Enclosed find photographs of your Humble Correspondent goth-ing as hard as ever I can."
Goth hard, girl. Goth hard. And make sure you look as miserable as possible.


Thanks to Flipthc
Gothiness: 6 Sweatiness: 7
Well, these aren't goths are they? Swimsuits? Shorts? Ok, so maybe there's a tattoo or two (say that quickly) on show, but really, they're not trying very hard are they? Wait. What's that? There, in the sand? Run! Run for your lives! Wicca Goths are upon us!

Goth Classification

Many of our beloved colonial cousins have asked "What is a Didi-Goth?" The excellent has a run-down of the main Goth classes here, but they do seem to miss the definition of a Didi-Goth. I've found the original interpretation:

Didi-Goth  /gɒθ/ [after Diddy]–noun
1. one of a Teutonic people who in the 3rd to 5th centuries invaded and settled in parts of the Roman Empire, but left after two weeks as their visa had expired.
2. a young or fledgling Goth, too depressed to consider him/herself part of the rest of school, but too happy to become full immersed in Goth culture. Writes particularly awful poetry, usually about how no-one understands them, or why the boy in Year 12 won't snog them.

bef. 900; ME Gothe (after G. Chaucer): "There was a Wif of Bathe, she was-a gat toothed and prood, black did she wear, and depressive; yet Goth she was-a not, morever a Didi, owning nought but one Cure album, and that alone being a Greateste-Hits."
(Note: best read in Chaucerian English for full effect; if you are unfamiliar with the style then I commend Bill Bailey to you.
Creative Commons License Goths in Hot Weather by Tom Lenham is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Non-Commercial-No Derivative Works 2.0 UK: England & Wales License. Based on a work at All other territories © Tom Lenham, all rights reserved.