Goths In Hot Weather ©

Bouncy Goth

2012-01-24T12:56:00.003Z

Thanks to Olivia

Gothiness; 6 Sweatiness: 3

"Mummy, what's that weirdo doing on my trampoline?"

"Come away dear, that's just a Goth trying to find out what it's like for the rest of us."

"Mummy, can I write some poetry now?"

"Step away from the Goth, sweetie!"

The sincerest form of flattery

2012-01-03T07:14:00.003Z

is plaigiarism, or so I'm told. Whatever. I'm liking your Goth angle, kid :) http://gothsuptrees.tumblr.com/

We Dictate Fashion

2011-11-29T13:06:00.005Z

Thanks to Lester 'Molester' Jones, as ever.

Gothiness: off the scale Sweatiness: 8

At last it's happened my Darkling hoardes - the good people of i-D Magazine have been moved to create a Goth-based fashion shoot in honour of our work! We have dictated a new fashion! See here! http://i-donline.com/2011/10/goths-in-hot-weather/ Now, who's up for spending a week going around Hoxton or the East Village with a pogo stick and timing how long it takes for some media whore hipster nincompoop to buy one and sit in a cafe with it resting against his table while he cruises Facebook on his i-Pad 2?

P.S. What's slightly scary is that bus actually goes past my office whilst I write this tripe. How did they know?

Goth in the hole!

2011-11-06T10:37:00.003Z

Thanks to Jonas Christ

Gothiness: 9 Sweatiness: 8

Representing for Darklings everywhere, this brave soul tackles the undergrowth of Vanilla society like a hero of yore, attempting to get his balls as close to the hole as possible by stroking his stick correctly. I love innuendo, me. The more observant amongst you will notice our friend here has even gone to the length of finding a black golf ball to use. Good work, sir!

Grumpy Lace

2011-11-06T10:28:00.005Z

Thanks to Sarah McDermott

Gothiness: 7 Sweatiness: 4

Pasty-faced Sarah writes:"My dear Clergyman, I address you from the erstwhile Colonies, California to be precise, where hot weather is plentiful. Enclosed find photographs of your Humble Correspondent goth-ing as hard as ever I can."
Goth hard, girl. Goth hard. And make sure you look as miserable as possible.

Ring-a-ring-o'-Gothies

2011-11-06T10:23:00.005Z

Thanks to Flipthc

Gothiness: 6 Sweatiness: 7

Well, these aren't goths are they? Swimsuits? Shorts? Ok, so maybe there's a tattoo or two (say that quickly) on show, but really, they're not trying very hard are they? Wait. What's that? There, in the sand? Run! Run for your lives! Wicca Goths are upon us!

Movember is upon us!

2011-11-06T10:16:00.002Z

Gothiness: 0 (with a 7 for times gone by) Sweatiness: 6 (around the chin mainly)

Darkling friends! I appeal to you! I'm undertaking the great Movember moustache growing contest in aid of Prostate Cancer - please donate generously! http://mobro.co/Juggernaut you'll notice from my exceptional beard growth that after just 5 days I'm almost ready for the great Mo' reveal - the highest sponsor will get to choose which facial hair style adorns my face for the next month. End ass cancer now! Let me shave my beard off, it's really itchy! http://mobro.co/Juggernaut After an enormous career break, I promise to get posting your photos for every £10 donated!

Mora's Beach Party

2011-02-04T09:17:00.001Z

Gothiness: Off the scale Sweatiness: 7

All right, maybe more psychobilly / horror rock / something I'm too old to have heard of than Goth, but definitely trippy. And check out the wheels! Prizes for anyone who can tell me what the fuck the plot is about.

Goths! On a beach!

2011-02-04T09:13:00.000Z

Thanks to Sharon Ortiz

Gothiness: 9 Sweatiness: 3

OK firstly, this is half an hour long, so only watch the first minute, unless you're genuinely interested in it (I'm going to bet you get at least 8 minutes in). Secondly - Goths! On a beach! In Gothy swimwear! Cover yourself up darklings!

Now I know what the advertising copywriter for Yahoo! feels like.

Welcome to the jungle

2011-01-31T15:18:00.004Z

Thanks to Star Kat (again)

Gothiness: 4 Sweatiness: 5

So Star Kat here is wearing shorts. So what? She's allowed to wear shorts when she's representing in the JUNGLE isn't she? Word to the motherfather, she is. She fancied a one to one with Predator just to see if he was as tough as they say, but it turns out he's gone so far downhill even Adrian Brody can take him now, and Adrian Brody's about as tough as my niece. Anyway, I digress, Star Kat is showing dedication to the Dark cause here, so I salute her. Unless this photo was taken in Kew Gardens, in which case she's a filthy cheat.

Dance, Gothy boy, dance!

2011-01-31T15:16:00.002Z

Thanks to Star Kat

Sweatiness: 4 Gothiness: 6

All right, so they're only pretending to be goth. OR ARE THEY?

Grave Sweats

2011-01-09T12:39:00.002Z

Thanks to Elzabi

Gothiness: 8 Sweatiness: 6

Elzabi writes "This photo may not look particularly sweaty, but a friend accidentally planned a goth-graveyard-picnic on the hottest day of last summer. I learned a valuable lesson that day which I would like to share with your readers: don't wear a corset in hot weather, breathing is necessary even if you think you're undead."

Bathing Beauties

2010-11-08T11:20:00.001Z

BathingBeauties_01, originally uploaded by Ashbet.

Gothiness: 6 Sweatiness: 3

Ashbet has come up trumps again with these two Dark Delights defying the Daystar for our benefit. I am, however, concerned for their flagrant disregard for local community legislation by choosing to bathe in what is clearly a municipal fountain. Hopefully they'll blind any passing community support police officers with the reflection from their pasty white skin.

Winona paddles in misery

2010-10-08T13:04:00.002+01:00

goth in hot weather, originally uploaded by chelgreen.

Gothiness: 6 Sweatiness: 5
Winona Ryder has been caught on camera again, this time giving us an insight into her preparations for her next role; that of a grumpy sodding gothette, tormented by her hatred of society and anachronistic existence, yet strangely drawn to her neighbour who's got a pool and can borrow the car anytime he likes. He's already offered to be the getaway driver next time she goes for a five finger discount.

Golden Hour Goths

2010-08-17T07:21:00.002+01:00

Thanks to Dave LeClair

Gothiness: 10 Sweatiness: 8

Seattle; the epicentre of Goth. This gaggle of Darklings were spotted sneaking out just as the Daystar was on the wane, but not so late as to require the wearing of lace eyepatches (new fashion alert! Lace over the eyes is SO on trend darling!). I notice, too the copious wearing of black sports gear, cleverly subverting the accepted image of track stars and athletes and juxtaposing it with black lipstick and, erm, a drum cymbal. Not sure why she's holding that. Mind you, I was never very good with cymbalism... sorry. Satan Loves You? He's not the only one, baby!

hosting disaster

2010-07-26T14:15:00.002+01:00

Hopefully you've found me back here - well done if you have! I seem to have lost my domain url thanks to Blogger's frankly useless hosting service that doesn't tell you it's time to renew, and then doesn't give you any way at all to pay for another year without having a godaddy account number, which was never given in the first place. Now it seems the domain has been bought by another gothlover (or cybersquatting corporate bastard, one of the two). Hopefully I'll have the old site back up soon, in the meantime if anyone knows how to rescue an expired blogger domain name, please let me know!

Over to you Cyril...

2010-07-15T15:58:00.004+01:00

Thanks to Jim Lacey

Gothiness: 8 Sweatiness: 9

I'm indebted to a young man from Berlin who writes "Find attached a photo of a guy I saw on the Berlin subway today. It was 36C outside at the time. THIRTY SIX! His coat was ankle length, thick thick leather with thick thick lining. Plus boots. And sunglasses. He was looking very red and sweaty around the face (diminishing his goth credentials) I would've blacked out the dudes eyes to protect his identity, but he probably would've liked that." Congratulations Jim, you've made the hall of fame! I especially admire the finger over the lens, proving you surreptitiously took the shot with your phone. We can all learn a lesson from young Jim, friends - get that covert camera phone action going!

Gothalo spotted

2010-07-14T17:10:00.005+01:00

Thanks to Ben Lavery

Gothiness: 7 Sweatiness: 5

Yes it's true - London can have heatwaves too. And when the Daystar is shining, these black'clad darklings do nothing more than don a pair of fishnet gloves. Oh, the temptation of fate! That peddalo won't get you far from the ultraviolet, nor will the Serpentine's swans protect you with their oversized wings. Though come to think of it, that would make a pretty good Goth accessory - a trained Swan to follow you round and act as a gothasol. Any Swan Uppers around fancy taking up the challenge?

p.s. Yes I know it's a bit fuzzy, but frankly I've just applied for a job with Ben's company, so I'm doing all I can to gain favour in his camp :)

Beached Goths

2010-06-24T09:54:00.003+01:00

Thanks to Paul Samolyk

Gothiness: 6 Sweatiness: 9
Paul writes "both of these kids had black jeans on.... furthermore they both went swimming fully clothed and then one proceeded to lay directly on 150 degree sand while soaking wet." Well done you two! I thought for one moment that revealing your dodgy-tattoo-stringbean arms was taking too much of a risk, but you've managed to pull it back with the non-removable trouser incident. This is true dedication to the cause!

Weirs Science

2010-06-16T13:11:00.003+01:00

Spotted by Kat, lifted from http://poorlydressed.com

Gothiness: 8 Sweatiness: 6
Um. Right. Here goes... Nope. no words. Just no words.

Gratuitous Hot Gothette

2010-06-11T15:56:00.003+01:00

Merzbau, originally uploaded by nomad_fh.

To quote comic 'genius' Roy Chubby Brown; If this was my daughter I'd still be bathing her.

Goth family

2010-06-11T14:58:00.001+01:00

, originally uploaded by keiforce.

"Yup" smiles young Hans as he poses with with his parents, "my folks are twats and I don't mind."

Wind Beneath My Wings

2010-06-11T14:38:00.001+01:00

IMG_6548c, originally uploaded by A Girl Named Ruth ;o).

Well that's one way to keep cool Gothette!

Shot 18

2010-06-09T16:47:00.003+01:00

Thanks again to Jenivere Stunt

Gothiness: 9 Sweatiness: 9

Jenivere comes up trumps once again with the extreme FMB / facepaint combo. Not sure why she's holding a FUCKING GUN but I'm pretty certain the 'why the fuck are you making me do this' look she's giving the camera explains a lot. Did I mention that she's holding a FUCKING GUN?

Unadulterated self worship

2010-06-09T16:37:00.002+01:00

I love fan mail, me. Keep it coming Liisa!

If I had your mailing address I would post you something with sparkly bats in it and a wax seal but this email will have to do. Short note to say how much I love your blog! It was funny the first time, and it's still funny. I visit often. And I am looking forward to the book that will inevitably result.

It's horrifically hot over here in Toronto this weekend. Sadly, all the Goths are in hiding it seems. If I ever snap a great one, it's all yours! I so wish I had turned the camera on the couple I spotted in Egypt once -- middle of the afternoon at Karnak Temple -- New Rock boots, velvet cloaks, the full deal. I only hoped they were on their way to a photo shoot. But even Andrew Eldritch wore white for the desert....

Anyway, keep on keeping on!

In obscurum,
Liisa

2010-06-09T16:35:00.001+01:00

Thanks to Ryan Martin

Gothiness: 8 Sweatiness: 7
oh for a coconut to quell the dark waters of my soul! This gothette is obviously living out her Lost fantasy by pretending to have washed up on a deserted shore with nothing but a Gothasol and a coconut stand between her and the Dayster. Oh the torment!

Desert shady

2010-06-09T16:32:00.001+01:00

Thanks to Madi

Gothiness: 5 Sweatiness: 8
well done for standing in the middle of the daylight heat, Madi, but several minus points for using a broken umbrella instead of a gothasol. Poor show!

House-trained Goth

2010-06-09T16:18:00.003+01:00

Thanks to Steve Dey

Gothiness: -3 Sweatiness: 4

Remember friends; you're never too Goth to help your mum out around the house :)

Race for Gothiness

2010-05-26T15:05:00.005+01:00

Thanks again to Simon Lamrock

Gothiness: 10 Sweatiness: 10
Simon Lamrock writes "It's been a whole year since I spotted a goth in hot weather, then today I catch a whole tribe of them!" Well done Simon, glad to see the home team being spotted so well. And special congratulations to the gorgeous darklings of London Gothic for entering a charity race dressed in all that taffeta! The brightly coloured runner's numbers really set off the maroon and black, girls. Extra points too for the gothasol carriers, but hang on, what's that? White trainers? Disqualified!

Sidenote: the London Gothic girls did a great thing here - sponsor them at http://www.raceforlifesponsorme.org/londongothic

Big Mac and Lies

2010-05-26T14:48:00.004+01:00

Thanks to 'a reader'

Gothiness: 8 Sweatiness: 6
Whilst sitting in the upper food court at Epsom's sparkling Ashley Centre (spiritual home to all suicidalists), one quick-witted reader spotted this: a full death metal / jugalo / Kiss wannabe Gothrocker enjoying a cold one whilst contemplating the finer symbolism of Proust's 'A la recherche du temps perdu' as juxtaposed with the lyrics to Closer by NiN between Bacon Double Suffering burgers. Note the standard reaction of most norm's - turn your back and pretend he's not there (which is how he likes it), with the exception of one young innocent child, formulating the question in her head "Daddy, why is that man dressed all funny? He's spooky." We'll never know, little girl, we'll never know.

sidenote: Submitted by 'a reader' - with a secret to hide, perhaps? Maybe a militant vegan with a secret yearning for recovered meat products. Are you a vegetarian who secretly yearns for meat? Or a vegan desperate for a ham and cheese omelette? The Jeremy Kyle team want to hear from you!

the Goths on the bus go down down down

2010-02-10T11:20:00.004Z

Thanks to Jaimz Asmundson

Goths! On The Bus! from Jaimz Asmundson on Vimeo.

Gothiness: 6 Sweatiness: 8

Jaimz here has channelled Bela Lugosi to great effect - a simple tale of two DoucheGoths on their way to the mall (or 'shops' as I like to call them), but the subtext! Oh the subtext! Pain, suffering, eternal damnation wrapped in velvety angst. I am Goth; Hear me Roar.

Karen O is a Goth

2010-01-27T16:50:00.002Z

As if you needed convincing, feast your eyes on the Yeah Yeah Yeahs 'Skeletons' - they came up with the idea for this video while they were checking out GiHW, trust me :)

ITV needs you!

2010-01-27T14:45:00.003Z

stolen from a frankly superb looking wedding in Russia

Gothiness: 9 Sweatiness: 8 (under the collar)

I've had had a request from ITV which gives me the excuse to finally post one of these great images of full-on Gothy nuptials action. Hard working Nina Clement is looking for a Goth couple who are getting married to shoot for their Living TV show, Four Weddings. I'm guessing it has something to do with weddings. She wants couples who are getting married in Feb / March this year (don't blame Nina for the short notice, production cycles are getting worse and worse, in my day we had 6 years to research and we didn't have no internet, plus we shot on real video not that mini DV crap, kids these days etc etc). If you fit the bill, let me know and I'll pass you along to Nina. Hey, at least your wedding video should be in focus.

p.s. Frankly, Nina doesn't seem too bothered whether you're Goth or not. she just needs someone getting married! soon! help!

Emo Wellies

2010-01-20T10:07:00.003Z

Thanks to Marc McAndrews

Gothiness: 7 Sweatiness: 9 (around the toes)
No, madam, no. You're on a beautiful Caribbean beach, sitting on the trunk of a palm tree pretending to be Robinson Crusoe. You do not need wellies. What do you think this is? A fucking festival? Dissapointing behaviour, Gothette.

Marc Bolan and T Goth

2010-01-20T09:54:00.002Z

thanks to Sociopathic Kitty

Gothiness: 5 Sweatiness: 6
All right guys, joke's over. Who told them they look good dressed like this? It must have been one of you.

New for 2010

2010-01-04T14:16:00.005Z

Gothiness: 9 Sweatiness: 6
So, the festive cheer of the non-demononational holiday period has been and gone, and the burning question on your lips is this: what is the Goth-about-town wearing this season? Fear not, darkling, I can confidently predict the demise of the Gothasol (though as you can see, some tradgoth diehards are clinging on to yesteryear's look). Goths and Gothettes, I give you.. THE GOTHWING. Or fan as some might call it. The Impressive Clergyman calls it a gothwing, and who are we to doubt the word of a trend forecaster such as he? The contextual usage, he tells me, should be thus; " I was up that Camden Market recently and spotted Lauren Laverne fanning her face with a rather fetching Victorian lace Gothwing." Get in touch with your local Gothic outfitter now!

Pretty in Pink

2009-12-14T09:10:00.004Z

Thanks to Romina D'Alessandro

Gothiness: 6 Sweatiness: 5
Romina here claims that this was worn for an 80's themed day at school, but you and I know she's fibbing don't we? Look at the tell-tale signs: 2nd hand tails, hair draped over the eyes, too many necklaces - the similarity to Molly Ringwald and Ducky is unmistakable. Two Goths - Spotted!

Gothercise

2009-12-09T12:10:00.003Z

stolen from Slightly Known People

Gothiness: 6 Sweatiness: 9
Get your Goth Sweat on with a bunch of people much funnier than me!

Gothic Charm School

2009-12-08T16:19:00.005Z

Thanks to: escaflowne8

Gothiness: 9 Sweatiness: 8
escaflowne8 writes that this picture was taken "on a blazingly hot tea party picnic for the gothic charm school book release...feel free to poke all the fun you want." Well, escaflowne8, that would be entirely ungallant. But it's good to see that you've taken the Charm School commandments to heart.
Gothasol? Check. Top hat and ornate veil? Check. Expression that suggests someone out of shot has just painted a smile and a pair of comedy tits on your statue of Satan? Checkeddy-check-check!

Davros Goth

2009-12-08T15:50:00.007Z

Thanks to: Geraint Edwards

Gothiness: 8 Sweatiness: 9 bottom half, 5 top half
Auditioning for the new Goth Dr Who turned out to be only a partial success for this Goth. Told he was to be the new leader of the Goth Daleks, did he get the requisite studded metal bottom on wheels? Did he buffalo. No, he got a whole load of Immobility Sand for an arse and he's stranded in the bloody sunshine with half his body exposed to the Daystar so that he explodes like that chap in Blade.
I think we can all see how he feels about it.

Desert Island Goth

2009-12-08T15:39:00.006Z

Thanks to: Shy Spades

Gothiness: 9 Sweatiness: 9

Happy talkie talkie, Happy Talk! Or perhaps not. Either way, someone's not making a campfire and certainly not looking for Man Friday, not when every day is like Sunday now. No more releasing the bats, no more sitting around watching Suspiria by candlelight. Just endless sunshine and sand. Ugh.

Follow The Goth

2009-12-08T15:24:00.004Z

Thanks to: Sophie Seeger

Gothiness: 8 Sweatiness: 4
Okay? Follow the Goth, keep your eyes on the Goth, I'm moving the Goth left, I'm moving the Goth right. Always keep your eyes on the Goth. Where will the Goth end up: left, right or middle? Have you kept your eyes on the Goth?

Okay? Where's the Goth?

Oh.

Dedication's what you need

2009-12-04T09:57:00.003Z

lakebeachville9000, originally uploaded by pretty.kittens.

Gothiness: 4 Sweatiness: 9
So you're on a beach on lovely sunny day, surrounded by pretty ladies. Do you strip off to show your scrawny yet intellectual physique? Do you buggery! You sit there covered in as much black as possible to guarantee the Daystar doesn't infect you with it's joyful rays, discussing your latest epic poem documenting your Saturday job at Hot Topic. This is quite above and beyond the call of ~~Chthulu~~ duty. Top marks!

Goth Goth Revolution

2009-12-02T11:01:00.005Z

Thanks to Alison Ehrick

Gothiness: 7 Sweatiness: 9
Goths and technology are natural friends, but this surely is a marriage made in hell. Walk through your local arcade, and perhaps you'll be lucky enough to witness the sight of two taffeta-clad Gothettes pounding away to their favourite Dark Tune (I didn't know Fields of the Nephilim was available as an option on these games). Dance, Gothy girls, dance!

Tin Hat Time

2009-11-30T15:07:00.002Z

Thanks to Amy Kingsmill

Gothiness: 6 Sweatiness: 7 (under the collar)
Like a gothy extra from Hamburger Hill, Amy has been taking cover in more ways than one. She tells me that there is nothing better than a tin hat to keep the Daystar out when shadebathing, although I'm worried about her legs. That pastey white complexion won't last if you don't cover up with leather and lace, Gothette!

More Press

2009-11-20T09:06:00.005Z

The very kind Jennifer Chen at Evil Monito has flattered an old Goth in print - if you'd like a tantalising glimpse of me then click here :) Note my skill for recycling quotes from older interviews

The Impressive Clergyman remains elusive, however - though you can find out about him here

UnHappy Meal

2009-11-10T08:56:00.005Z

Thanks to Dane Strychnine

Gothiness: 8 Sweatiness: 9
Make no mistake, mortal. These Dark Food Junkies aren't here for the quarterpounder - it's the ribs they want. YOURS! Yes, vanillas, tremble in fear as the proud MiseryGoths feast on your despair. Wisely, they're just in the shadow, away from the harm of the Daystar - but watch that one in the middle, she's got her eye on your chips! Note the futile attempts from other diners to look nonchalant whilst quaking in their flip-flops. Extra points awarded for the overload of makeup and straight-backed corsetry.

Interview

2009-11-04T08:48:00.002Z

I was interviewed recently for LA Weekly, if you'd like to have a read then simply click here!

Oompa-Loompa Goth

2009-10-26T08:45:00.006Z

Thanks to Alethea Carr

Gothiness: 7 Jaffa Cake-ness: 8
Alethea writes "My husband was enchanted by my making an appearance on the site, but this heady feeling of love soon turned to envy. As you can see, he has turned his back forever on such mundane pleasures as swimming pools and gardening, preferring the cold comfort of shadow. Together we wallow in unrelenting angst. Actually, he just threatened that if I didn’t sub a picture of him, he’d write poetry at me and put Clan of Xymox on repeat all night." I see your Darker Half still finds time to bathe in carrot juice though, Alethea. Too much time under the rays of the Daystar, clearly.
On another note, this represents the first bespoke modelled shot for GIHW - hooray! more of the same please, chums.

Gothlights

2009-10-23T14:49:00.011+01:00

By popular demand, I've moved the highlights video, so here it is - a selection of nearly-rans and not-quite-high-res-enough Goths for your Dark Pleasure...

Where's Normo?

2009-10-23T13:53:00.004+01:00

Thanks to Steve Hernandez

Gothiness: 10 Sweatiness: 8
A Friday game for you (albeit a pretty crap one)! Somewhere in this Misery of Goths (I think that's the collective noun, but am prepared to be corrected) stands a terrified Norm! He's been kidnapped and forced to play a macabre version of Where's Waldo - can you find him before his soul gets subsumed by the Dark Side? Can you rescue him before he is forced to watch Rocky Horror and don a basque and suspenders? Will he taste blood and want more, or will you pull him back to his vanilla life and promising career in middle management in time? First to tell me what he's wearing wins no prize at all...

Nobody puts Gothy in a corner!

2009-10-21T14:34:00.012+01:00

Thanks to Samantha Blake

Gothiness: 4 Sweatiness: 6
BobyGoth here is clearly not enjoying her time at the Country Club with her folks. What she doesn't know is that Undead Patrick Swayze is just waiting to whisk her off to a secret underground world of Industrialist Grinding and Gothabilly Bumping. Wait till she learns the secret of the 'Stuck in my coffin' move!

p.s. if you don't know how to dance goth, you could a lot worse than follow the step by step education at Lilith Gallery, and especially for anyslyenchanter and Cristina Jiminez (amongst others), I proffer you this piece of Gothy Sexyback from Tank9:

Charidee Bandana

2009-10-21T11:22:00.004+01:00

Nothing to do with Goths, this one, but the company I work for has just produced a microsite for Children in Need (UK charity for those of you who don't know). Please visit and buy yourself a Pudsey Bandana - I've got a free copy of the upcoming Goths in Hot Weather book (if the bastard thing ever gets a publisher) for the first of you who can send in a photo of a Pirate Goth wearing one!

LazyGoth

2009-10-06T13:17:00.006+01:00

stolen from Getty

Gothiness: 8 Sweatiness: 7
Dear Lord how do I ever watch Lazytown with my daughter again? My mind! My mind is bleeding! Find a happy place, find a happy place, find a happy place...

Around the World in 80 Goths

2009-10-05T09:24:00.007+01:00

Thanks to Meghan Gerc

Gothiness: 9 Sweatiness: 8
Eventually our perambulations brought us to a most interesting phonomena; that latest of devices, the photochromatic device, or Camera. My wife, Elpheba, was understandably nervous, having had little experience of the modern day world (being, as it was, raised in New Zealand). I, however, have had much time exploring in both the old and new worlds and was comfortable with the device, indeed I eventually persuaded Elphaba to carry one as a keepsake or portmanteau. The Bashi-Bazouks of Turkland almost delivered me a terrible blow when I attempted to record their dialect on my audio recording device. They seemed to think I wanted to use a certain appendage to make contact on the Marconi telephonic apparatus! All ended happily, though it took some time to translate the word Dictaphone.

Sorry.

Presidential Goth of Approval

2009-09-28T09:31:00.007+01:00

Thanks to loads of people

Gothiness: 8 Sweatiness: 9
Yup, that's St Barack, and that's the Spanish PM, and those are his children. His totally, all out Goth-rocking progeny. As teenage Spaniards it is their duty (their DUTY I tell you) to dress this way. Next year they'll be taking a world tour of Goth heritage sites as part of a cultural exchange. They will bring delicious tapas and backpacks with cuddly bears on the zips, and we'll flog them dodgy bangles from Camden Market that make your skin go green.

Gothzilla

2009-09-25T09:40:00.003+01:00

Thanks to Missy Reitner

Gothiness: 7 Sweatiness: 8
Run! Run for your lives!

Pumping Goth

2009-09-25T09:32:00.007+01:00

Thanks to Noelle McCleaf

Gothiness: 5 Sweatiness: 8
Check out those 68 Guns! These bad boys are just limbering up for a heavy poetry session, presumably involving lengthy discourses on the inner workings of their souls and how ladiee Goths should have the pleasure of their company. What a pair of rhyming couplets!

At Home with the Gothasons

2009-09-18T15:14:00.009+01:00

Gothiness: 6 Sweatiness:5
"Goodness dear, this garden's getting messy! Look at those Azalias, they're running wild."
"Like the torment in my soul, they grow through every space. Binding my waking thoughts with the dark matter of their misery, strangling the young shoots of my happiness in the tangleweed of despair. I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds."
"Yes dear. Oooh, is that the kettle boiling?"

Gothasol Love

2009-09-17T09:12:00.005+01:00

Thanks to Chiaki Tani

Gothiness: 6 Sweatiness: 5
Chiaki Tani writes "That gothasol isn't going to do her any good; it's not sorrow-proof." I should hope not Chiaki! Sorrow is the the lifeblood of every good Darkling; almost as important as Snakebite & Black for extended poetry sessions and soul searching. Not that Goths have souls of course. As far as the Gothasol is concerned, there's no tool in the Goth arsenal more useful for steering clear of the dreaded Daystar, as Chuck here so amply demonstrates:

Gothiness: 9 Sweatiness:6
Don't be fooled by the pale colour of this Gothasol. Take a closer look. See? By the Power of Bauhaus, it's covered in COFFINS!!!

More from Cyril

2009-09-07T09:10:00.005+01:00

Thanks to Olivia Gianelli

Gothiness: 8 Sweatiness: 8
I'm indebted to the young Olivia, who writes; "Just thought you might like a photo of me in my wedding dress braving the nasty burny thing in the sky. We chose to get married on the 21st March, it being the first day of spring we thought it was guaranteed to be either dull or raining (quite possibly both!) as we live in the north of England. However the traitorous weather left us hot sweaty and exhausted, although our guests seemed to enjoy the spectacle, non-goth softies the lot of them!" I feel your pain, Olivia - I and Mrs GIHW got married in Teesdale - a place guaranteed to give you murky overcast summers - in 42 degree heat. We then took our honeymoon in Paris, where 3000 people died of heatstroke in a week.

FTGW

2009-09-07T09:08:00.007+01:00

Thanks to Kelley at Butt Blog

Gothiness: 7 Sweatiness: 5
Now that's the way to do it Gothettes!
(no, I'm not a perv. honest)

Goth Ahoy

2009-09-03T08:43:00.004+01:00

Thanks to Stephanie Ford and Tommy B

Gothiness: 8 Sweatiness: 2
Avast ye! What lurks in yonder waves? 'Tis the Great Black Whale! Set a course for Martha's Harbour this instant! Their timbers may be shivering, but Nick Cave and Winona Ryder here are certainly flying the flag for Goth sailors everywhere.

HorsePunk

2009-09-03T08:25:00.006+01:00

Thanks to Tobias Kremple

Punkiness: 9 Sweatiness: 7
Tobias tells me this shot is "Not quite the same as goths in hot weather, but there isn't a punksinhotweather.com, and the horse ads such charm to the shot! " Couldn't agree more Tobias - watch your spikes on that mane punky cousins!

Sidenote for the pedants: Yes, they're not Goth, nor are quite a few people on the site. It may have escaped your attention, but this blog is there AS A JOKE, and I like to include all our fellow alternative types - Goth, Punk, Psychobilly, even the Emos. Yes even the Emos. Oh, and anyone who thinks Cyberpunk isn't Goth - you're deluding yourselves ;)

Closer to Goth Than Thee

2009-08-26T08:36:00.009+01:00

Thanks to Molly

Gothiness: 8 Sweatiness: 5
Molly writes "I'm in this photo, and I am not goth, but this girl is goooood. She was rollin kinda deep, but I liked her the best. I think it was the spiky mini backpack." And she's right. She's also at the vanguard of a new trend I've been noticing: many of you are sending in photos grabbed opportunistically when in the presence of Goth, and I love 'em - so I have a new challenge for you: If you are vanilla, send me pics of you standing next to hot goths, preferably with thumbs aloft (as so ably demonstrated by Molly here). If you are Goth (and I bow to you my dark masters), then I need pics of you standing next to the most incongrous item or person you can find - old grannies, police officers, dwarves. In fact, extra points for dwarves.

Between a Rock and a Goth Place

2009-08-20T15:53:00.006+01:00

Thanks to Amanda Martin

Gothiness: 5 Sweatiness: 8
Amanda writes "Here is a picture of my brother. Make fun of him."
Too easy a target, from the 18 hole DMs right up to the mohawk-crop circa 1992, not to mention the fact you're on a BEACH. I open the floor to you, dear reader. Do your worst!

Cor Blimey Gothy Poppins!

2009-08-20T15:35:00.006+01:00

Thanks to Jillian Venters

Gothiness: 7 Sweatiness: 6
One of these ladies is a fully paid up Goth (the lovely author of Gothic Charm School, no less!). The other is Mary Poppins. They both look like they could use a drink.

Dad Taxi Goths

2009-08-13T18:05:00.007+01:00

stolen from Wave-Gotik-Treffen

Gothiness: 5 Sweatiness: 7
Um, yeah, so thanks for the lift and everything, dad, but could you, like, leave now? I see some of my friends over there...

Prairie Goth

2009-08-13T16:58:00.005+01:00

Thanks to BloodyDoll (Flickr)

Gothiness: 8 Sweatiness: 6
Like a Goth version of a Windows wallpaper, BloodyDoll proudly tempts us to click around her desktop. Watch out though - treat her bad and you'll get the BSOD! (black screen of darkness in this case)

I deny thee, deckchair!

2009-08-13T09:33:00.005+01:00

Gothiness: 4 Sweatiness: 6

Though clearly not yet fully initiated into the coven of Goth, this young lady is going the right away about spending time on the beach. There's a nice welcoming deckchair - does she sit on it? Does she buggery! She even has the good sense to stand on the only rock on the beach rather than risk getting sand in her Vans. Well done, madam.

Purple Paddlers

2009-08-13T09:24:00.006+01:00

Gothiness: 6 Sweatiness: -4

It was a hot day, but a freezing sea. These two Dark Delights jumped in and before they knew it they were overwhelmed by the Goth's biggest fear: enjoyment. Yes, you can clearly see these these two Gothettes are having fun. How dare they? I made up for it by finding a previously unpublished poem, penned by Samuel Taylor Coleridge. Apparently he binned this one and went with the Rime of the Ancient Mariner instead.

"Oh! Sea of chilly suffering, I jump in thee,

To drown my sorrows, at the shores of Whitby.

To look so glum was my goal,

but instead, childish enjoyment filled my soul.

I am Goth, 'neath the searing sky

I feed my pain with fish and chips from the Magpie."

Birthday Goth

2009-08-13T09:10:00.005+01:00

Gothiness: 9 Sweatiness: 7

Birthday Goth and her boyfriend here were kind enough to actually pose when I accosted them in Whitby Beach, spiritual home of the Goth. A big expanse of beach, bright sunshine, donkey rides, everyone else in t-shirts, and these two don't just Goth out, they even have the attention to detail to make sure their plastic bags are black and purple! It takes a lot of work to find a shop that hands out purple plastic bags - fine work Gothette. She even represents when paddling. Mind you, the North Sea is bloody freezing.

Come Feast at the Bitter BBQ of Banishment

2009-08-06T08:55:00.008+01:00

Thanks to Jason

Gothiness: 7 Sweatiness: 6
Take heed mortal, and fear my warning! Tear your eyes from the alluring glare of this Dark Temptress! Heed not the cool, refreshing can of beer and refuse the promise of delicious pre-prepared kebabs with artichoke hearts from M&S! You can plainly see there's nothing on this fire - like the Dread Pirate Roberts, this evil succubus waits to barbecue your SOOOUUUUULLLLL! Probably in a nice piri-piri sauce.

Lost Boys 2

2009-07-27T17:41:00.006+01:00

Thanks to Kevin Johnson

Gothiness: 6 Sweatiness: 7
Imagine being 4 years old, happily building a sandcastle and paddling in the sea whilst your parents try to get a tan and keep an eye on you at the same time. You don't have a care in the world, and you've never even heard about vampires, let alone seen a Bela Lugosi film. There you are, standing up to admire your 5-bucket sandcastle achievement; you glance up, and see these guys coming at you. You'd fucking shit yourself.

Lost Boys 1

2009-07-27T17:37:00.007+01:00

Thanks to Andromeda Han

Gothiness: 8 Sweatiness: 4
Caught out after dawn, these Darklings know what they're doing - hiding under the boardwalk gives you two advantages: Firstly, you can avoid the searing Daystar until the Night comes with her cool embrace, when you shall once more walk amongst the living, choosing your victims and dealing your undead kiss. Secondly, you can look up girls' skirts. Brilliant!

Shingle Beach, thy name is Sorrow

2009-07-27T14:13:00.001+01:00

Thanks to Elvira

Gothiness: 7 Sweatiness: 6
Goth down! Goth down! In just minutes, David Hasslegoth and the Gothwatch rescuers will run onto the scene carrying revitalising bottles of Snakebite and some Gothasols. Let's hope they can survive the Daystar until then. They do, however, know the correct way to sunbathe a la Goth - as covered up as you can be, with a bag full of poetry and pseudo-intellectual books, presumably L’Étranger or À la Recherche du Temps Perdu. Minus points, however, for the white trainers. Poor show Gothette!
Side note: As a Didi-Goth I once took to a beach with some 'intellectual' reading in order to pull the clever totty (my favourite kind). I made two mistakes; firstly,the beach I was on was in Malia, Crete where the words 'clever' and 'totty' don't often mix; second, the book I chose was 120 Days of Sodom by the Marquis de Sade. Consequently I spent a week lying on a beach shouting "Oh God NO! He's doing what with a WHAT? And why are THEY standing over him?" To this day I am the only man ever to go to Malia and not pull.

Goth like an Egyptian

2009-07-20T17:01:00.003+01:00

Thanks to Mark Rimbach

Gothiness: 5 Sweatiness: 10
I know it's the 80's Mark, but you're in EGYPT. Wearing a LEATHER JACKET. I'm proud of you.

Batty Goths

2009-07-20T16:56:00.007+01:00

Thanks to Evaxebra

Gothiness: 10 Sweatiness: 8
Of all the Bat's Day shots, this is the apogee - Like a modern day Joan of Arc, this dark delight is backed by a hoard of Goths laying seige to the castle of schmaltz that is Disney. I worship at the alter of your majesty, Gothette!

Prom time

2009-07-20T14:50:00.004+01:00

Prom time, originally uploaded by gurple.

Gothiness: 7 Sweatiness: 9
Damon writes "This is my friend and his... oh, hell, who am I kidding, this is my wife and me. A megalomaniacal friend of ours had a giant prom-themed birthday party and we thought we'd goth up the place a bit. Unfortunately it was nearly 90 degrees in Seattle yesterday." Good work Mr and Mrs Damon. Extra points for looking like a cross between Dave Gahaaa-aa-aaa-aaaa-aan and Marc Almond.

Heads You Lose

2009-07-07T17:20:00.006+01:00

Thanks to Alan Clements http://www.pbase.com/clements/image/105622619

Gothiness: 9 Sweatiness: 6
Well, I've heard of giving head, but I think this is taking it a bit far. She certainly sees something in him that no-one else can see. Although, I think she's missed a basic lesson - before going out in the Daystar, his head was ashen white with beautiful flowing black locks. And now look at it! Burnt to a cinder. Take care, Gothette! It could happen to you.

Dirty Gothy

2009-07-07T16:19:00.007+01:00

Thanks to: Madam Zebra www.madamzebra.net

Gothiness: 10 Sweatiness: 9.9

I know what you're thinking. "Did he fire six shots or only five?" Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement I kind of lost track myself. But being as this is a .44 Gothnum, the most powerful Gothgun in the world, and would turn your head into a black moth, you've got to ask yourself one question: Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya, steampunk?

Give it up for Clint Gothwood. In a top hat.

More Goth, vicar?

2009-07-01T16:37:00.004+01:00

Grr!, originally uploaded by fuzzirella.

Gothiness: 7 Sweatiness: 4
Fuzzirella and her chums are making the most of their visit to Bat's Day. Clearly well versed in irony, these clever Gothettes manage to combine sullen loneliness with sitting in a giant spinning teacup. No easy feat, but watch those bare arms darklings - hopefully they're wearing factor 451.

Mickey Goth

2009-07-01T09:53:00.006+01:00

Bats Day 2008 - Our First!, originally uploaded by kimncris.

Gothiness: 5 Sweatiness: 7
Kim and Cris here have joined the throng at the infamous Bat's Day at Disneyland. Respect for representing our Lady of Introspective Conception Siouxsie Sioux, but minus points for using a golf umbrella rather than a gothasol. Poor show! On the subject of Bat's Day, I will offer my right liver and some of my finest dark poetry to the person who can deliver the following shots:
1 - Goth and Mickey Mouse
2 - Goths riding a roller coaster (must look grumpy)
3 - Goths with Mickey mouse ears

Go get 'em Gothseekers!

Sidenote: When I went to see The Cure, Siouxsie Sioux opened (in more ways than one). She was wearing nought but a leather jacket and a g-string, which broke halfway through her set. She didn't even notice and just carried on singing.

2009-07-01T09:03:00.003+01:00

Thanks to Louise

Gothiness: 5,000 Sweatiness: 9 (under the collar)
Louise "may or may not be loosely associated with this video" Don't be coy, Louise - it's an association you should scream from the highest rooftops! There are just too many great comments to make on this vid, from the shots on a handy cam of Didi-Goths pretending to cut each other's heads off in Richmond Park to what I suspect is a chorus sung by Neil Tennant. My mind is still boggling. I give you a short selection of possibly the greatest lyrics in Rawk history:

Catch the ghost train to the centre of my heart
I am potent, I'm profound
I am gothic
I am pale
I am scary
I'm insane
I'm a loner
I am cold
I feel special when people don't phone

Spray are my new favourite band!

Goth is the Loneliest Number

2009-06-29T10:07:00.005+01:00

Thanks to Diane

Gothiness: 6 Sweatiness: 9
This trainee darkling is making his stand early in life - much to the derision of his school chums. What do THEY know, eh? Dressing in black PVC and covering yourself in makeup is SO going to make you popular. You really are different from the others. No, honestly, you really are. You're sensitive and interesting and you've got something to say that matters. Honest.

I Wandered Lonely as a Goth

2009-06-29T09:19:00.005+01:00

Thanks to Aagra and www.tackyweddings.com

Gothiness: 9 Sweatiness: 8
Undecided Goth can't work out whether to embrace the Daystar with shaven head, or avoid with Reflective Red. Her poetry isn't giving her many clues, but she's clearly finding inspiration there. She'd better find cover quickly though - a tan certainly won't go with that eyeshadow!

Gothkini

2009-06-26T13:58:00.004+01:00

Thanks to Anonymous

Gothiness: 8 Sweatiness: 9 (crotch area only)
Ladieeeeeez! Check out this Goth's cradle of filth! He's all man, and he's waiting to satisfy your every need - poetry, navel gazing, and Terry Pratchett discussion groups with dark sexual chocolate drops on top! Witness the muscular physique! Gasp at the bulging source of his power! Swoon at the bullet belt adorned cowboy boots! This, surely, is every Gothette's onanistic, narcissistic gothboy fantasy!
edit: What do you mean, no?

The Eagle of Goth

2009-06-24T10:42:00.005+01:00

Back by popular demand!

Gothiness: 10 Sweatiness: 9
This is how to settle a domestic dispute! This Gothette has flown in with a crossbow pointed right at your genitals. That's the last time you borrow her copy of 'Bela Lugosi's Dead' without asking. Sweatiness quotient high here - she's so hot her hair has melted down the side of her head. One point deducted though as you can see most of her face.

Sauna Suffering

2009-06-23T17:24:00.004+01:00

Thanks to Åsa Jungar

Gothiness: 7 Sweatiness: 8
Sweden: home of the six foot blonde, and birthplace of the sauna. Odd, then, to see a bunch of Goths in a circle wearing Full Leather Jackets and chanting Wicca incantations. Well done to Asa and friends for showing such distain for the Daystar and risking sweaty oblivion, just so we can watch them prancing like tits. That Summer Solstice has a lot to answer for!
Edit: I've made a terrible error! I'm informed that Finland is the birthplace of the sauna. No matter, I'm sure those 6ft blonded Swedish types enjoy saunas as well. There's an image.

Kick the Pain Away

2009-06-23T09:03:00.007+01:00

Thanks to DeHuman8

Gothiness: 6 Sweatiness: 8
There's long been a terrible dearth of Goths in sport, who knows why? Maybe their darkness gives them an unfair psychological advantage over the opposition, maybe long poetry writing sessions render them useless to physical activity, maybe their minds are on higher things such as Snakebite & Black consumption. Whatever the reason, DeHuman8 and his dark followers are redressing that imbalance by braving the Daystar to reach the peak of Goth endurance: 90 minutes with no shade against the Grand Society of Water Rats All Star Charity and Daytime Chat Show Presenters Second 11. Watch out dark ones - that Phillip Schofield's a fouling bastard! Our Nightmare Team of choice has to be:
Attack: Astbury, Ian / McCulloch, Ian / Reznor, Trent
Midfield: Duffy, Billy / Sioux, Siouxsie / Sensible (Capt.)
Defence: Scabies, Rat / Murphy, Pete / Hussey, Wayne / Cave, Nick
Goal: Smith, Robert
Manager: Eldritch, Andrew
Injured: Edwards, Richey / Curbain, Kurt (on loan from Grunge United) / Curtis, Ian
Discuss...

Van Helsing's Daughter

2009-06-22T21:28:00.007+01:00

Thanks to: josiahduke.blogspot.com/

Gothiness: 8 Sweatiness: 7
It's all very well looking afraid, dear, but the sun isn't a vampire and no amount of sitting by a cross is keeping you shaded. What you need is a large hat, preferably with a black veil. Anyway, vampires are supposed to be your friends. I give you five minutes before your face is bright red. Then you'll really have something to look forlorn about.

The Good Chip Goth

2009-06-18T11:58:00.004+01:00

Thanks to: Alan Clements http://www.pbase.com/clements/image/88313095

Gothiness: 8 Sweatiness: 6
Stepping straight from the pages of Northanger Abbey, comes our latest Gothy heroine, seen here enjoying a bag of chips. Distressingly there appears to be no blood-like ketchup, nor is there a solitary lurid green mushy pea. Must do better.

The Rime of the Gothy Mariner

2009-06-15T16:08:00.005+01:00

Thanks to: Photo Doktor www.photodoktor.co.uk/goth.jpg

Gothiness: 10 Sweatiness: 8 (too much neck on display)
At first I thought this might be an ageing Marcel Marceau giving up mime for a Gothlife, but no, this is a Goth debating whether to hire a yacht or not. Not very Goth, you'd think, but he's taking advice from a green and a yellow skull! Look at them reflecting back at him in his glasses, offering up the words of Coleridge: "Day after day, day after day,/ We stuck, nor breath nor motion;/ As idle as a painted goth/ Upon a painted ocean." Now all he needs is an albatross. Or a crow.

We're Bringing Gothyback!

2009-06-15T14:30:00.005+01:00

Justin Timberlake officially likes this blog! Justin. Timberlake. Eat that Tiffins Boys School, I TOLD you I didn't need A Levels! Maybe he can tell his celeb homies about it! Maybe P Diddums will check me out! Anyone know of any other celebrities who think it's funny? Zoe Ball? Roger de Courcey? Spread the word meejahores - we have to get a submission from Ian Astbury!

Gothinson Crusoe

2009-06-15T11:22:00.004+01:00

Thanks to Jon Yates

Gothiness: 5 Sweatiness: 7
Here we see a classic example of right idea, wrong execution. This young castaway attempts to write 'HELP' in the sand so that a passing plane might spot it and come to the rescue, but the Goth nature comes to the fore and instead all that comes out is some introspective naval gazing haiku element. You'll be waiting sometime for a refreshing Snakebite & Black young Darkling!

Beach Blanket Babygoth

2009-06-15T11:20:00.003+01:00

Thanks to Alethea Carr

Gothiness: 6 Sweatiness: 7
Alethea writes "This dedicated darkling was spotted under her gothasol on a 95 degree day. What is she writing? A short story worthy of Poe? A poem about the heartwrenching pain of summer vacations? A shopping reminder to buy more cloves? Note her one concession to the heat: a pair of gothy-industrial flip flops. And her one fatal flaw: an exposed line of scalp. That’s going to hurt next time she backcombs."

AcoustiGoth

2009-06-14T15:14:00.003+01:00

Thanks to Mark Aaron James

Like a latter day Bryan Adams, Mark has just released the blockbuster tune of the Summer. Can't quite see them playing it at Underworld, but I for one will be standing outside Camden Town station, holding a ghetto blaster aloft, with this blaring out at top volume. Just like in 'Say Anything'.

How To Survive The Daystar And How Not To

2009-06-13T08:57:00.006+01:00

Thanks to: Tall Skinny Kiwi

Gothiness: 8 Sweatiness: 4
Here is a very basic lesson in how to stay clear of the poisonous rays of the Daystar. Left and right, we see well deployed Gothasols, with faces fully protected. In the middle, we see gloves, a fan and a more unusual way to protect the face - this Goth appears to have had his/her head eaten by a feral cat. Still, it works. And then we see, with back to us and white arms cooking in the sun, Junior Goth. Oh dear.

Carnie Freak

2009-06-12T17:44:00.004+01:00

Thanks to: Keith Freshwater

Gothiness: 7 Sweatiness: 8
This brave Gothette walks amongst the Fairground folk, presumably during her lunchbreak working on the Ghost Train. Like all good Scooby Doo plots, this particular ride features real ghosts and muderous valkyries stealing ice cream and corn dogs from terrified children.

Prom Goth

2009-06-12T17:41:00.002+01:00

Thanks to Emma Rinker

Gothiness: 4 (clearly he's a Didi) Sweatiness: 7
This, apparently, is 'Uncle Mike'. Jesus titty fucking Christ on a bicycle, words fail me. I open the floor to you, dear reader.